Dear Diary: I have postnatal depression

CW: This post discusses mental health around pregnancy/after birth. This post is very personal, discusses periods of sadness and the postpartum experience and postnatal depression

‘Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby’ – NHS

This is probably the most difficult post I’ve ever had to write and I’m not entirely sure where to start. I suppose I should introduce the post eh? Well, this post is about my experience with postnatal depression. It’s taken me a long time to accept and acknowledge but I’m here, and ready to write and vocalise my inner workings of my mind.

I first noticed my mental health was suffering in the later weeks of my pregnancy. Lockdown had taken it’s toll on me and as I stood on my parents driveway I collapsed into tears. I felt lonely, I felt scared and I felt unhappy. But what did I have to be unhappy about right? I had a healthy son, my pregnancy was going well other than some pelvic pain that left me not wanting to walk some days. Joe was still in a stable job and largely, everything was good. I couldn’t however, shake this dark cloud I felt. I missed my family, I missed having a break away from Jasper to work a few days a week. I missed his playgroup and I missed going further than walks around local areas. Lockdown definitely hit me. I was due to give birth within weeks and sure these feelings would go after that…

‘It’s a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It can also affect fathers and partners’ – NHS

Weeks later, I had a really positive birth experience, I spent the 24 hours afterwards in hospital pretty happy and wanting to get home to my bed, my son and my husband. Once home, I started to realise I wasn’t quite myself. I felt my recovery wasn’t as good this time round, I put pressure on myself to walk before I was ready. I had a toddler to keep up with and I didn’t take any maternity leave. Looking back, I was putting too much on myself too quickly. I launched a new business, baking made me happy, it was an escape for me but the ‘baby blues’ seemed to still be looming in the background.

‘The main symptoms include:

• a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
• loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure
• lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
• trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day
• feeling that you’re unable to look after your baby
• problems concentrating and making decisions
• loss of appetite or an increased appetite (comfort eating)
• feeling agitated, irritable or very apathetic (you “can’t be bothered”)
• feelings of guilt, hopelessness and self-blame
• difficulty bonding with your baby with a feeling of indifference and no sense of enjoyment in their company’ – NHS
  (There are some more extreme cases where postnatal depression can cause feelings of wanting to self-harm or thoughts of wanting to hurt your baby, but I didn’t experience these)

My husband returned to his office, and I spent days in and out of focus. Sometimes I’d feel I had a handle of everything, other days I’d cry at the wall (genuinely this happened) and not be able to stop for hours. I distracted my son with toys, playdough (I hate that stuff), the ipad and baking with me whenever we could but Goldie had colic and reflux and I wasn’t adjusting well to life with a newborn again. If Jasper & Goldie decided to sync their tantrum/crying episodes then I’d be distraught and at times just sat and cried with them. I’d go days without eating or drinking anything as I felt I couldn’t lay Goldie down when I felt so deeply that she needed comforting. The small stints of sleep she’d give me during the day would be filled with making sure I stimulated Jasper’s brain so that he’d be happy and sleep well on an evening. I knew I loved my daughter but I was struggling to adjust and suddenly started to feel I wasn’t bonding with her. My sister would call me whilst I cried and help me pass mornings, I’ll forever be grateful for this as those were some of my darkest moments.

I’d make jokes like ‘mummy is home’ when Joe would walk through the door after work because he seemed to have a way of soothing her that I didn’t. I felt jealous that he could calm her so easily after I’d spent hours rocking and swaying, singing and trying everything possibly to help her with any tummy pain she had (oh yeah the colic & reflux was bad). I felt helpless at times. I remembered my health visitor had told me that if it was too much to just lay Goldie down for a few minutes, leave the room and call someone to talk about it.. I’d turn to Joe at work but only felt I was adding stress to his day so I only undertook this particular exercise once which only added to my stress.

I tried confiding in my parents, explaining that I still felt sadness and was struggling. My family are very much the ‘just get on with it’ sort and meant no harm when they responded to me with ‘your second child is different’ and ‘you’ll get into a routine’. But every time they said something like this to me it only hurt me and made me feel like my feelings were invalid and wrong. I didn’t push enough to explain the extreme of how I was feeling. I should have explained more deeply much sooner than I did. I had moments were I did feel a little lighter, and I wanted to be happy so I’d put on a happy face and try get on with everything… but it didn’t work.

Weeks passed, I tried to call my health visitor one desperate day and left a voice note as it was out of hours. It was never returned and it only made me feel worse. I felt I couldn’t lean on the system that I was told to turn to, I didn’t want to burden my family and I was terrified of admitting that I may have postnatal depression. I’d spend nights googling blog posts from others suffering to understand more and help me come to terms with it. Everything was building up inside me and finally one rainy Saturday I burst into floods of tears with Joe. We had a LONG conversation about what to do and took to the NHS website for some advice until I could call my Doctor on Monday. The first thing you’ll find when you google postnatal depression is how it isn’t your fault and that you should immediately seek support from family/friends. I decided to fully open up to my parents.

That conversation was one of the hardest I’ve ever had. To admit things I felt ashamed of, to discuss openly how I wanted more help but felt I couldn’t ask. My family are all very strong minded and there were moments of time I sat whilst they talked not knowing how to explain how I was feeling so I dazed at the light switch on the wall. My mum suffered from depression after my Grandad died and explained that it sounded like I had depression. I won’t go into the full details of the conversation because it’s still a little raw. It was finally time to seek help.

I called my Health Visitor, this time… a member of the healthcare team answered. I poured my heart out to this lady on the phone who responded with a million telephone numbers for help lines and gave me some reassuring advice. She told me to call my Doctor and that my Health Visitor would be in touch with more advice and support. I rang my Doctor and instantly got an appointment, he prescribed me with some anti-depressants and talked me through our plan to help me. Later that day, my Health Visitor called with more support but I was so drained I couldn’t take it all in. She checked in with me again later on.

Fast forward to where we are now and I feel a little better. I’m getting some more help and I think it’s working. I’m not quite as I was, but I haven’t had any teary episodes in over a week. I think we’re on the right path.

If you think you may have postnatal depression then you are not alone and can access support. Contact your GP or Health Visitor now.

I hope to update you on this a little further down the line but realise I’ve written quite an essay here.