Elloooooo! Well hasn’t it been a hot minute since I checked in on here about my post natal depression. If you didn’t catch the original post then you can find it here. In short, 5 months ago I put fingers to keyboard to chat about being diagnosed with post natal depression after trying to get to grips with it myself. The post was extremely rewarding for me. It acknowledged my thoughts and feelings at the time and many who related, got in touch. I’m proud as punch for writing that piece and wanted to share an update on my experience.
So whilst I wrote that post 5 months ago, I was actually diagnosed before then. I was put on some anti-depressants, offered CBT and sent on my way. My health visitor kindly checked in on me a few times after first being diagnosed and then decided to let me get to grips with things on my own, leaving me her mobile number on hand.
Honesty time
Well, I’d say I slipped up in a few ways at first. I was inconsistent with my medication some weeks, and found it frustrating that I felt this pill was dependent on whether I had a good day or not so tried to do everything in my power to put things in place so that when I was weaned off my meds, it would be easier. I started exercising for my mental health, eating better and undertaking some ‘solo’ activities on my own such as reading, crafts and baths for me and only me. This was something I’d highly recommend to anyone as I felt suffocated at times with no where to go. Giving myself these pockets of time gave me lots of hope that I could and would get through each week… one day at a time.
My inner thoughts
I’d say my moods varied throughout the following months on my medication. I found I’d have a good day, then a terrible day. I’d still make sarky remarks that Goldie didn’t like me and genuinely.. there was in my eye some truth behind it. I kept pushing to try and be more present and some times I’d feel I tried too hard.
Other days, it felt easy, and I wondered if I’d get to the point where this was a permanent thing or a fleeting moment.. however.
The last month
I was weaned off my meds before Christmas. Early for most Post natal depression sufferers (and I’m not suggesting anyone do this… talk to your Doctor always), but I wanted to do it and I made the decision on the agreement with myself that if I ever felt it was too much I’d call my Doctor again. I made sure I stuck to the things that had been helping me and suddenly I began to feel my body’s mental state returning to my complete true self. I was feeling like me again and honestly, I was doing ok.
I had one blip about a week afterwards, I got stuck in traffic with Goldie crying for around an hour and I felt my brain switch off. I felt completely numb but was internally screaming. When I finally got home, I passed Goldie to my husband and went to our bed to have a cry. I felt better for it. I understood what had triggered it and it had reminded me of the early days. It was painful. I wrote it down, undertook some breathing exercises and got back up again. Headed downstairs and felt better for letting everything out. We got through that day and I knew this wouldn’t be the last time it happened, but something was different to before. I felt equipped to deal with it and didn’t punish myself for taking myself aside for a moment. I didn’t even get annoyed with myself for crying.
From there on things got better and with each day I felt myself warm up more and more to my role again as a mother to a young baby. This past week has actually been lovely. I feel like we’ve had a wonderful week of bonding and my heart bursts a little as she smiles back at me. Maybe it’s because we’re weaning her and we’re bonding over food… that would make sense. It feels good.
I don’t know how the next few months will go, but I know I understand how my mind works. I know I have the tools to help me and I’ll be ok. I’ll be sure to provide another update on post natal depression, maybe a year on.
Violet x
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