CW: discussion of depression
I have spoken about being diagnosed with post natal depression here, and shared a 6 month update here. However, I’m ready to delve a little deeper and the below is something I’ve shared to my social media in the hope that it will help others feel more at peace with their own feelings and story. As always, seek help if you need it and know that you’re not alone.
Its U.K. Maternal Health Matters week (thank you @humbercbt for alerting me) and I want to share more of my story. I’ve never shied away from my experience but now I’m ready to go a little deeper and I would appreciate forgiving any grammatical errors in this caption because I don’t know how it will end up worded 😂. Here goes…
When I was first sure something was wrong, I awoke in the middle of the night crying. I was literally crying in my sleep and this was alien to me. Goldie’s silent reflux was bad that week and we just stared at each other crying. I felt helpless. I felt lost. I didn’t feel strong or confident in my ability to parent but here was this little bundle looking back at me for some reassurance.
I wondered for the first time if it would be easier if I wasn’t there. You see, Joe had a knack of calming her down with a single touch. I had tried hard, sometimes too hard to be “a good parent”. I never had thoughts of suicide or self harming, but it was the thought of being taken out of the equation that seemed to run through my mind. Would my absence help that little rosy cheeked girl? Did my company cause her more stress? I just wanted to help, but I felt completely helpless.
The next morning I awoke, and we continued. I rang my doctor and health visitor, I had honest conversations with my husband and family. I asked for support where I could. We continued for a long time until it started to get easier. Just a little bit every day.
Violet x
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